5 Idiotic Internet of Things Devices Nobody Asked For

The Internet of things is a gorgeous idea. And the fact that this shit actually exists and actually works is pretty mindblowing. If you are a banana-head who has no idea what the Internet of things is here is your nuts-and-bolts course. The Internet of things or IOT is a concept that describes a system of devices, gadgets, and just random things that are connected to the Internet. The point is that those devices are able to “communicate” with each other avoiding humans. Sounds scary and maybe kinda like the beginning of a rise-of-machines scenario, but in fact, a good number of gadgets there suck and shouldn’t even exist.

The Internet of things is meant to make our life easier because people are lazy as fuck and want things to do everything by themselves. Like a fridge that scans food you have and sends a shopping list to the nearest supermarket which in its turn sends a self-driving cart with all the food to your doorstep. Oh god, I can’t wait when it finally comes true and develops from a concept to a common thing in our places.

But people are not only lazy shit, they can also be dumb. This results in creating things which should never have appeared and god save us from people in whose head those ideas were born. Because it’s not only crazy stupid to think that a smart toilet paper dispenser that checks how much of toilet paper is left is useful. It is actually dangerous to make every little gadget vulnerable to a cyber attack. Can you imagine seeing your toilet paper blocked at the moment you need it the most? Horrifying.

So, here is our list of the Internet of things devices nobody asked for.

1. i.Con

The world got really crazy about fitness trackers at some point. We started measuring steps, pace, daily activity, burnt calories. We got to compare our results with others and compete who was the best. Some even started visiting the gym. That fever caught everyone. And now you can do the same using a condom.

BritishCondoms developed an i.Con – a smart condom that can tell you precisely how bad you are in bed. In fact, it is a ring you should put on your thingy, hell knows why they called it a condom.

What it can do is impressive. Useless, but impressive. It’s gonna tell you everything you never wanted to know about your sex: how many calories you burn, how fast you move, frequency and pace, and what is the duration of your sessions. It can count positions to say how variable, or rather boring, your sex life can be. But why bother with a ring on a cock if you can just ask your girlfriend?

2. Kérastase Hair Coach

Have you ever thought if you are bushing your hair right? Or maybe you wanted to know how much you damaged it trying to catch up with that mermaid hair trend? Of course, you wanted, you stupid monkey! These are the questions every person should be asking!

Here is the answer to your prayers – the Kérastase Hair Coach Powered by Withings from L’Oréal. A smart brush, that comes paired with a free smartphone application, will tell you everything you can possibly need to know about your hair.

The brush is a real hi-tech gadget, not one of those simple not smart shit you have in your bathroom. It is equipped with a three-axis load sensor to measure how fiercely you brush your mane and if you apply too much force, it will immediately let you know about it. Also, it has an accelerometer and gyroscope that can count how many stokes you do while trying to untangle whatever is on youк head.

But the real star of the show is a microphone built in the brush. They put a fucking mic into a hairbrush to listen to the sound of hair while being brushed! For god’s sake, who the hell thought it was a good idea! That person should have been fired right at the moment when he suggested it. But they were more likely promoted or given a bonus.

Anyway, all that stuff put into a hairbrush collects the data about your hair, the way you brush it, how good it sounds and other bullshit. The results you can see in an app that gives you tips and advice about what could be improved and teach you how to brush. Ain’t it the stupidest thing you’ve heard in a while?

3. We-Vibe

Yet another device that wants to get into your pants.

At some point, manufacturers decided that good old dildos and vibrators are not enough and connected them to the Internet. Cos why don’t we make a sex toy smart in the 21 century! There are a few companies that produce hi-tech cock replacements, like We-Vibe for example.

To use one of their dildos, one should download the We-Connect mobile app from the Apple Store or Google Play. After that, they could remotely access and control the vibrating wand of pleasure. As a surprise (no), the app came out with some serious security flaws and the company was even sued for collecting users data.

The idea of remotely controlled sex toys is surely great. The question is do you really want a thing you shove in all the deep holes of your body to be able to tell about it on the Internet?

4. Shuttereaze

Forget about the hairbrush. Here is the stupidest thing that humans ever invented. And don’t let the word “smart” fool you! So, Shuttereaze is a tool that can solve a problem you haven’t even thought exists.

*Infomercial mode on.

Are you tired of a tedious routine of opening and closing plantation shutters? If you have a big house this daily procedure must take you an awful amount of time! This undoubtedly beautiful decoration can be a real pain in the ass when it comes to maintaining it. Do you want to have a better option than doing it manually? We have a solution! Shuttereaze – shut and open your shutters with ease!

*Infomercial mode off.

But for real. Have you ever been so frustrated about the daily ritual of opening the windows that you would think of buying a dedicated system for that? I personally see no point in closing them in the first place.

The creators of Shutterease, which is basically a clip and a panel you attach to your shutters, claim to save you with their product. When you set the system on the windows, you get two options. A simple one, with remote control and a smart one. The smart one connects to a smartphone app where you can open and close the panels, pre-set times for it and an option of having the panels open and close at the sunrise and sunset accordingly.

While it sounds like not such a shitty idea, the pretentiousness of how it’s advertised just kills it all.

5. CloudPets

Remember when we were children and used to play with sticks and mud? Oh, good old days. But apparently, for today’s kids, sticks don’t seem like a decent toy to spend some time with. Or at least that’s what the manufacturers think.

At some point, a baby product market got flooded with all the types of hi-tech top-notch Internet-connected smart toys. One of the biggest players was CloudPets.

CloudPets produced a series of stuffed animals including bears, dogs, cats, and rabbits. What made it so special is that all the toys were connected to cloud data storage and to a parent’s smartphone via Bluetooth. With an application on their phones, parents could send voice messages to their children and kids could reply the same way using the toy. Sounds cool and all.

But the problem with such things is that you don’t want a device that is associated with your child and stores their name, photo, and voice recordings to be connected to the Internet. One happy day happened what was meant to happen – the database was hacked and the information became public.

So next time you think of buying your little offspring a new toy, just give them a piece of rock.

What we see here is undoubtful evidence of people slowly turning into lazy dumbfuckers who can’t open their own windows and see nothing wrong in connecting their dildos to the Internet. God save us all.