TWIFT | Lifestyle | Lost Sex: How to Regain Your Sexual Power After a Year of Turmoil

Lost Sex: How to Regain Your Sexual Power After a Year of Turmoil

Almost a year in the conditions of quarantine and a worldwide pandemic have led to significant difficulties in the sexual life of many married couples around the world. In her article, Megan O’Connell talks about how to rekindle the spark between partners and switch the brake to gas on a journey called sex life.

One of the important nuances to keep in mind is that quality and enjoyable sex will not just happen to you. For everything to work out in the best possible way, you will have to take care of everything. Don’t be embarrassed if you have to plan for a romantic evening and good sex.

Don’t be afraid to highlight the day and make special notes on your calendar.

If it seems to you that the wildest and most adrenaline sex can only be sudden, then there are many arguments against it. This is especially true for married couples with children. It is often most difficult for a woman to relax when it comes to impulses and sexual desire.

Thus, the American writer Elissa Petro is raising two children with her husband. Their life balances between home, raising babies and going to work. According to 40-year-old Elissa, during the pandemic, bringing up her children turned into hard labor, continuous turmoil, and fatigue. Sex life was out of the question. More recently, her husband moved to sleep from a shared bed to a sofa in one of the rooms.

Sexual

A woman does not at all consider sex inappropriate, but she does not find a resource for it either.

“I have a sexual desire. However, the problem is that I am up to my ears loaded with all sorts of things and think about sex with my husband, whom I love and find quite attractive and good in bed, I just can not. That is why our intimate life from wonderful earlier turns into a lost one forever,” shares the writer.

And in this situation, Elissa will have a lot of companions. Since a large number of women are faced with such a problem in America.

For example, the Kinsey Institute in Indiana, which deals with issues of sexuality, reproduction, and gender, conducted its research on the impact of the pandemic on the development of relationships in marriage. According to the results obtained, about 24% of the interviewed couples had their sex life reduced during the world quarantine. Besides, more than 15% of female representatives of society have complained of lower levels of both sexual, psychological, and emotional satisfaction with the onset of the coronavirus crisis in the world.

According to another survey, about a third of married couples reported significant problems in their sex life and many conflicts, which the pandemic only exacerbated. At the same time, the sphere that suffered the most, according to scientists, was precisely the intimate one.

Indiana scientist Maya Lutke, who spearheaded the study of couples, said 2020 was a flawed year in various fields.

“We have lost many of the opportunities that were so available to us earlier. We can say that this year we have lost a lot in different contexts. From the point of view of the sexual sphere, this time of our life turned out to be no less a failure,” wrote a representative of the Kinsey Institute’s Sexual Health Promotion Center in her address.

Practically the same data is confirmed by other studies in this area. So the expert in the field of sex education, professor at Indian University in the USA, writer Emily Nagoski very carefully approached the issue of intimate relationships in the lives of various couples during this difficult period of life. Nagoski has published the book Come As You Are: An Amazing New Science That Will Change Your Sex Life. She noted that sexual cravings and their absence or intentional avoidance are very similar to driving a car. They also have a brake and an accelerator to help control your senses.

“And despite the fact that in modern life, sex in marriage can be influenced by various extraneous factors. This does not mean that you cannot simply take your foot off the brakes and press the gas pedal. You can always change something in your intimate life no matter what happens,” emphasized the expert.

There are many ways in which you can control your sexuality and influence those same feelings in your partner. If it seems to you that there is no more way out, especially where relations have deteriorated, then this is not at all the case. Usually, the entrance is always where the exit is. This is the same point. And again, finding an approach to a spouse and awakening feelings in him or her is still possible. Here are several aspects that will help the sexual energy in you sparkle with new colors.

See from a different angle

Constant remarks, quarrels, conflicts, self-criticism, and disrespect towards the other half can cause a significant decrease in libido. When psychological problems come to the core, there is simply no room for sex. Also, more than 50% of women in a state of stress, nervous excitement, insomnia, and depression report that their sex life is sharply deteriorating. And the ability to experience an orgasm may even disappear for a while. They just don’t want sex and they don’t feel the old excitement. According to an expert in the sexual sphere, Emily Nagoski, this state of women, especially during the period of difficult economic processes in the world, the loss of security and certainty, is quite understandable. Any crisis entails the loss of a resource. And for sex, and even more so for the reproduction of the genus, it no longer remains.

Sexual

“At some point, the world around you can turn into a threatening factor, both for you and for your loved ones. You may not notice it, but during a crisis and a pandemic, it may seem as if everything around you is saturated with it. This is what can lead you to a stupor, turn on the brake pedal in your car,” wrote the American teacher in her work.

The first thing that can be done towards the improvement of your intimate relationship is to change the attitude to the situation, and not the behavior itself.

“Stop for a second and think about why you are having sex. It is likely that if you do this out of the feeling that you are over or so accepted, then this activity will lose its ease, you will cease to be interested and desire for sex,” emphasizes Nagoski.

She also adds that to have sex for pleasure, it is important for a start to feel like that person who is crazy about sex. If you manage to find yourself in this role, then you are guaranteed success.

Don’t be afraid to plan

The mother of a 3-year-old and one-year-old child Elissa Petro says that although rarely, she and her husband still manage to find time for sex life. Usually, they leave every third Sunday for sex:

“On this day, I try to get out of my head all the thoughts that I did not have time around the house, what I did not do and what I still have to cope with. I try to relax at the moment here and now and devote time to devote only to my partner. It is after this that there comes a relief and we no longer take each other so seriously,” says Petro.

Nagoski emphasizes that the idea of ​​having sex spontaneously is one of the most common and at the same time not entirely realistic.

It is easier to implement when you are just a guy with a girl or just met and you are not connected by life, three children, and 15 years of marriage.

In this case, usually, women are not ready for such turns.

The study shows that only 15% of women desire to have sex spontaneously. Most still react to some kind of erotic stimulus, reciprocating.

Nagoski has studied the sexual behavior of couples for a long time. She concludes that all episodes of desire during travel, running, household chores, or something else are not perceived by couples as some kind of characteristic of them. That is, spontaneous desire almost does not characterize the sexual sphere of a person.

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To a greater extent, we are talking about completely different components than the desire for a partner at a certain time.

Thus, the famous scientists in the field of clinical psychology A. Dana Menard and Peggy Kleinplatz, authors of the book “Great Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers”, studied a large number of sexual cases of various couples. They concluded that good sex includes factors such as sexuality, level of attraction, hormones, tastes, and other characteristics. Among them are vulnerability, closeness, being connected in the here and now, empathy, communication.

Most of these couples are rather indifferent to romance and spontaneity but tend to plan and let them be at their own pace.

They also noticed that good sex is not an accident, but the result of work and planning. Therefore, do not be afraid to write down the date of the next romantic night in your calendar. And although it is entirely possible to be fully responsible for the fact that everything will be perfectly impossible on this night, as scientists write, it is still very possible to influence the conditions and environment in which a miracle can happen.

Add novelty

The decrease in sexual desire during the global crisis is understandable, but this is not at all a reason to think that your sex is doomed. Try to diversify your gray weekdays with some fresh new stream. After all, according to scientific research, the only thing that can increase sexual arousal and raise libido is to try something new. It is a new experience, and by the way, not necessarily sexy, that can become your fresh rush of blood and the one that will make your heart beat faster.

If next to your partner you feel inspiration and relaxation then most likely the partner himself will seem to you more desirable and attractive.

Scientist Lyutke, who has been studying the connection between sexual desire and conflict in a couple for many years, argues that it is in moments of discord that one can safely start talking about relationships in a couple, about seeing different processes, about the desires and fantasies of each other. Since there are practically no other effective methods than speaking about the difficulties.

A scientist from Indiana adds that if for some reason, it is not possible to talk with a partner or this leads to even greater conflicts and, accordingly, disruption not only of sexual but also of family life in general, then it makes sense to seek help from a psychotherapist or sexologist.

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Another option for how to achieve relaxation and complete switching in a relationship is to use adrenaline methods. Of course, this method is not suitable for everyone and primarily depends on the ability and interests of the couple.

If you are still ready to experiment, then you can take yourself a short trip, ride a roller coaster, swim with scuba diving, or sing loudly somewhere in the square. This will help defuse the situation, experience new emotions, and plunge into a completely different life that is unusual for you.

Of course, you can choose a more loyal method. For example, when the children are already asleep, watch a horror movie or vice versa a comedy. But whether this stimulation is enough for you is up to you.

According to science, if your partner exudes excitement, chances are that they will be more unusual, renewed, and interesting for you. This can cause a surge of tenderness and sexuality on your part as well.

About the physiology of stress

Now, to understand how everything works in your body, we suggest returning to the level of functioning of all its systems. So, if your brain receives a signal about a threatening factor (you are in a stressful situation, a dangerous dog is chasing you). it is likely that your sympathetic nervous system will work, due to which you will release the neurotransmitters cortisol and adrenaline, which will help the body to cope with the situation. After the stress factor disappears, the parasympathetic nervous system will take over. Its function is to return you to a state of rest.

Why do you need all this theory?

And here’s what. The fact is that it is parasympathetic, in addition to calmness, that is also responsible for libido. That is, when you are in danger, your brain is unlikely to allow a sexual stimulus to arise at that moment. This explains the fact that during a pandemic, a crisis in the world, you want sex much less.

And although the modern world is more ambiguous and uncertain, it is not always possible to understand when stress will end for you.

This is why researcher Emily Nagoski suggests ending this stress cycle on your own. To do this, it is worth giving signals to the psyche that there is no more danger and independently organizing peace, comfort, safety for yourself.

And yet, if the desired state has not yet arrived, you can approach your loved one and start a conversation with him. It is close relationships that often calm us down, give us confidence, balance, and harmony. Good touch and hugs help in this matter. And even if you still haven’t had sex, this is already a great step towards establishing intimacy.

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